THE DOOSH BAG
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Something is probably better than nothing
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Why the term “estate” is misunderstood?
Something is probably better than nothing
WHAT'S A DOOSH?
Since becoming the trustee of my mother’s affairs, I occasionally joke that I used to be a human being but am now a fiduciary…with emphasis on the 'dü-shÄ“ because, in my case, there’s no way to make everyone happy.
For instance, my siblings don’t understand why I won’t discuss some details with them without including all the beneficiaries. The explanation that “I have a legal duty to deal impartially with everyone” doesn’t mean a whole lot when emotions are high.
The good news is that my situation is extreme – only a handful of trustees and executors, a.k.a. fiduciaries, feel dooshed. I know this because I’ve done a few surveys to find out what the average experience is like.
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77% agreed that the process to settle their parents' legal affairs was easy (2)
I’ve also learned that when it isn’t easy, it tends to be emotionally charged. And sometimes it’s the result of an honest mistake or misunderstanding, not rivalry or greed. Although that happens sometimes as well.
Probably the most important thing I’ve learned is that the more prepared and knowledgeable family members are before someone passes away, the better. Obviously, right?
But the research has also found that too many people are not communicating enough with their parents, or kids, before the shock and grief of losing a loved one.
Among those with one living parent:
35%
don’t know if they have outlined their wishes in a will or trust. (1)
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“My mom died suddenly of a heart attack. She never wanted to discuss her passing. She was born Muslim but raised Christian. There were major discussions about [whether] or not we could cremate her.” (3)
About me:
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I’m not a lawyer
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I am a market research professional. My passion is collecting and communicating facts, statistics, and perceptions to help inform decisions.
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I’ve had to do more due diligence as an administrator than most.
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I’ve made mistakes (and have researched others).
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I think sometimes a little humor or levity can help make sensitive subjects or conversations a little easier.
I’ve also been fortunate to have had some emotional distance. My mother passed away several years ago, survived by her second husband. I’ve been able to study the problems and think about solutions more objectively than if I were trying to process the initial shock and grief at the same time.
projectdoosh survey Nov ‘18
(1) Q: Does your living parent have something like a will or trust that outlines their wishes once they pass away?
(2) Q: Was the process to settle your deceased parents' [legal] affairs easy for your family?
(3) Q: If not easy, please briefly describe the challenge(s):
WHY A PROJECT?
When I became my mother’s successor trustee, it quickly became complicated. I started talking to others who have been an administrator in the past. Most told me that my experience was extreme compared to theirs, but they could relate because they also had unforeseen challenges.
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“It was like waking up in a foreign country and not speaking the language.”
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I looked around for a resource that went beyond basic legal advice to help me understand what issues were typical vs. unusual, and how others have resolved or prevented them.
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As a market researcher, I wanted facts, scenarios, and solutions. I was surprised that I couldn’t find a study or book, just a few polls and anecdotes by law firms here and there.
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And I found that advice and best practices from ordinary people who have gone through the experience are even more scarce.
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So, I’ve decided to use my experience as an amateur fiduciary to be an amateur champion for future administrators and their families. I can’t give advice, but I can collect and share facts and insights from real-life experiences.
Almost half of Americans with one or both living parents know they’ll be an executor or trustee. (4)
Yes
Not sure or don't know
No
47%
29%
24%
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Q: What advice would you give a
future trustee or executor?
“It's best if the person who is dying tells everyone what they intend to do in advance. Encourage that.”
“Ensure that you have educated yourself with all that being an executor entails”
“keep precise records of expenses”
“Follow the wishes of the deceased and maintain transparency”
“Stay calm and collected!”
projectdoosh survey Nov ‘18
(4) Q: Will you be an administrator, such as an executor or trustee, for your parent(s)?